A little change can make a HUGE difference!
Parenting can be a wonderful experience for some and for others a less exciting experience. Have you ever asked yourself what makes the difference in these experiences?
I have heard many parents talking about their children in many different ways. Some parents are pleased with their children’s behaviors and lifestyle. Kids that excel in school, show exemplary behavior everywhere they go, are well mannered, polite, and helpful, and never seem to give any “trouble”.
On the other hand some parents are constantly expressing less than satisfied experiences. They seem to have gotten the kids with the most challenging behaviors, the ones that are always in the principal’s office, grades are average to low, they always have an answer and insist on being rude and challenging, and they refuse to follow orders/instructions.
But what really makes these children have such extreme differences? Is it the example they have to follow? Is it just a bad gene they were gifted with at birth? Or maybe they have trouble expressing themselves positively, especially when they are in low moods.
My daughter is 6 years and 1 month old and she is ABSOLUTELY child B above. I remember her pediatrician saying to me at her 12 month check up…”No no mummy don’t say that! You have to use positive powerful words. She is not stubborn and defiant, she is persistent and confident.” I gave her my most disgusted face, rolled my eyes and said “Whatever” with an attitude. The funny thing is I believe, and almost always say there is power in words, yet there I was throwing a tantrum at my daughter’s pediatrician because she didn’t agree with me. Further to that I would tell my friends and family members stories about my daughter’s less than acceptable behavior time and time again and they would all say the same thing… “I wonder where she got that from” and my response would be…”Not me, can’t be me”. Today I can look back as I reflect and laugh at myself.
I didn’t understand the power of subliminal messages and how young children (toddlers especially) learn by what they see and ABSOLUTELY not what they hear (Unless it’s a nursery song of course). One Sunday at service the minister preached on subliminal learning and at that moment I felt like a Dumper Truck had ran over me! Later that afternoon I did some research on subliminal learning and how it is one of the main sources of young children’s learning. Without hesitation I made a conscious effort to begin adjusting my attitudes and behaviors around my daughter. It became exhausting practicing different things in different places so I eventually decided to establish the example I wanted to be for Zola no matter where I was. I wanted her to be able to hear from others that mummy is indeed the example she sets at home even in the work place or at social gatherings, and that meant a lot of adjusting and changing unhealthy habits, that obviously weren’t good for me anyway.
There were many times punishment failed. I tried all sorts of punishments thinking trial and error was necessary until I could find what works. The thing is I wasn’t really trying to find what worked for Zola. I was trying to find what worked for me. One day after having a meeting with her Prep-2 Teacher I realized my methods were actually driving Zola to be more rebellious. Her teacher recommended shorter reward programs rather than the lengthy ones I had implemented, so I tried that. The results you ask? Negative. I then had to ask myself why an easier reward program wasn’t working and decided to take a week off the reward system (which is usually; do chores, have behavior, do well in school and be rewarded). That week a miracle occurred! Zola’s behavior and attitude toward school work improved drastically. Even her Sitter was impressed with her behavior that week. Along with the removal of the reward system I changed the routine as well. I let her stay up late one night and we watched a Disney movie together, another day I took her for ice-cream after school, another I took her to play with her cousins and another I let her video chat with two of her classmates when their parents were available.
That week was very emotional for me to be honest. At the end of that week when I reflected, it was obvious my daughter just wanted more positive attention from me. Poor child probably felt like she was in boot camp all those years. The reward system has since been implemented again but on a much easier level. We used craft items to create her personal Monthly Calendar and each month I let her schedule the fun activities she wants to do, whether on a school day or not, however on days her behavior and attitude are not positive or healthy she gets a time out from her fun activity. She now does chores and school work with ease and her behavior has improved. She still has a few unhealthy habits to drop and we are working on it together. We remind each other to use calm positive tones and to take a time out to calm down instead of throwing tantrums. We have bedtime talk which is a free pass to confess ‘sins’ without punishment. As an alternative to punishment I discuss problem resolution with her to help her understand there is always a good way and a bad way to do the same thing. This activity also promotes honesty and builds trust between us.
The journey is still ongoing however I am enjoying being a parent more now than before. Zola is still very Persistent and Confident, and along with that she is Bold, Brave, Expressive, Loving, Intelligent, and certainly Determined to rule the world. With the help of research, loved ones and some awesome Teachers I am constantly learning how to turn Zola’s challenging behaviors into positive and healthy traits to help her develop a well-balanced character that allows her to succeed at anything she dreams to accomplish. We do have our little disagreements but even then I negotiate (using positive tactics) with her to get her to understand that sometimes it’s okay to agree to disagree.
So Parents I know everyone’s circumstances are different and sometimes you may feel like you’re going crazy. But maybe, just maybe a little change is necessary from time to time. I encourage you today to try something new. Not just another technique but something that gets your child’s attention to listen and express himself openly yet positively. Maybe ask your child what he or she wants or don’t want. What they like or don’t like about you and your parenting methods. You might be amazed of the answers. And remember to have a positive and welcoming attitude so the mood doesn’t change the aspired outcome….A positive result.
Keep Striving!
P.P.A
