Single Mother Battles

It’s been a while now I have been following groups, pages, and single mother activists that are fighting for what seems to be woman power. I have read multiple articles, websites, subscription emails, books, magazines and I have even watched videos and vlogs on youtube, Facebook, Instagram, and other internet sources. A few times I felt lost after digesting the information I had swallowed, a few times I felt sick to my gut and disgusted, by some of the unfortunate stories. But what really upsets me is the arrogant and possibly ignorant opinions of women who are seeking justice for their experiences with the men they chose to be with and tolerate on their own free will.

TOXIC BATTLES

Today I watched a video hosted by CNBC entitled “Equal Pay Day: Single moms are hit the hardest by the gender gap…..”

Okay, so don’t get me wrong I definitely support human beings developing independence and self-worth, no doubt. But hear me out for a minute… These women are fighting for the rights they gave up in the first place! Forgive me if I allow my emotions to get the better of me here but there is really no nice way to put it…. Mothers have used poor excuses not to teach their daughters self-worth, self-love, and the value of being a single whole person who can take care of themselves not because they don’t need a man, but because God created us as individuals. Yes, God gave us an extra rib, taken from the male species itself, but that didn’t make us Siamese twins! We were created individuals to unite and support each other, but corrupted that for ourselves.

Women are choosing time and time again to give up their birthright of true femininity and gentleness to compete in the masculine world, to prove they don’t need men, yet open their legs for pleasure, and open their hearts for romance and spoiling, and some even lose themselves for men when they supposedly find “love”. Mothers are failing themselves, their sons, and their daughters because they are not taking the time to break toxic, unhealthy, negative cycles right before their eyes. Their ancestors, for decades, have failed themselves, and women wish for better but yet follow in their ancestor’s footsteps then wonder why them. Why do good women always find bad men? They don’t find them! They attracted them! Their thoughts, their behaviors, their beliefs. When will they stop fooling themselves? He is who they always dreamed of.

Women should not be fighting for independence because they don’t need men. If a woman was never married, engaged, in a relationship, and has no children, she should still want to experience her best life. Women need to start exploring their true femininity and purpose. There is a reason God created males with masculinity and females with femininity; men with an understood strength and women with an understood gentleness. As a woman you need to take time to love yourself first, develop your self-worth, and make yourself a valuable asset not to prove your masculinity to men but because you want to be your best you.

When single mothers fight for equal co-parenting, equal pay rates, and equal strength in the professional world ‘just because they don’t want to depend on a man, what lessons are they teaching their daughters? What message are they really sending to their girls? That it’s okay to grow up and become a single mother? That it’s okay to fight with men for equality of just about everything? And what about the boys? What are they learning? That it’s okay to grow up, leave your spouse/partner, and just take the kids 50/50? They still need to be accountable for their financial share for caring for their children, and that doesn’t just mean feed them, clothe them and supervise them ‘half the year’.

Divorce and Separation shouldn’t have even been an option. What I mean is, avoid getting into toxic relationships. No one is perfect and it happens, I get that. So if it does happen you deal with it of course, and you do what’s best for you, but make sure when you’re doing your best you are also teaching your children not to pick up the baton of toxic cycles. Teach them there are better ways. Teach them the values, morals, and principles that really matter.

“Mummy and Daddy are no longer happy living together because we realize that we get along better when we live in different spaces. We will always love you and take care of you. You are free to see dad/mom whenever you want even if it’s outside of the 50/50 custody arrangement.” This is a positive start.

Challenge yourself to go beyond your emotional tantrum and do deep core healing and find true forgiveness. Search yourself to find out why you ended up a single mother. Ask yourself, what traits or behaviors did I possess that weren’t best for my relationship? What lessons did I miss? Focus on you, not on him or what he did or didn’t do? You will only be able to help your children break the cycles when you first learn the characteristics of the cycle to begin with. Forgive yourself, forgive your ex, and allow yourself to truly heal. Because believe it or not, you can make all the money in the world and afford to give your children the best financial living experience and yet never experience the joys of the unity God ordained for males and females to enjoy. Your children will be learning nothing different and will only continue in your footsteps unless they make a greater effort to do the absolute opposite just not to be like you or their dad.

Sure go right ahead and try to convince yourself you don’t need a man’s love, or a man to romance you. While you’re at it convince yourself you don’t need companionship, friendships, or any kind of male support because you got it! You are your own feminine and masculine, why did God even bother to create males first?

When women learn to raise their children practicing healthy and positive behaviors, they will be able to identify toxic traits. You will also need to teach them the importance of not hoping for toxic people to evolve. Teach your children to be kind and help but set boundaries and know when to let go of toxic relationships, whether family, friend, or partner, and further to that business networks. When you teach both your boys and your girls these things they will be at an advantage to make the best choice when choosing a spouse; someone they can develop a healthy, strong team with for their marriage and parenting.

VICTIM MODE

I made myself a victim for a long time while living in my ignorance. It took a mental breakdown and obvious mental therapy to shape me into the woman I am today. While my story is truly a sad one it’s not what is important here. What’s important is the fact that I was following in the footsteps of my ancestors. While I broke the cycle of teenage pregnancy I clearly didn’t break the cycle of codependency and found myself in a way too deep. I am now free from the mental enslavement of not so much depending on a man but wanting to live for him, wanting his love so badly I would do just about anything for him. There was nothing I planned without him. My life revolved around him and eventually, I couldn’t even make simple day-to-day decisions without his opinion or support. I felt like a traitor if I did. What was worst was that he noticed this and abused his power of manipulation and deceit. He abused my kindness, my patience, my forgiveness, and my love for him. He used me to build the life he wanted and then watched me lose everything I worked my butt off for while he walked away with everything, except my daughter. I fought hard for her. The thing is my fight for her was all part of codependency’s weakness as well.

I had to come to terms with a whole lot of psychological issues to find myself; to regain my identity and be an individual again. It has been quite a journey and I can definitely relate to some of the challenges single mothers are battling; co-parenting for one, finances another, but it seems most women are only concerned about those two things as though they are the only things to be concerned about. Yes, they are priority, and so are the other left behind battles; self-love, self-worth, self-care, self-awareness, anxiety, depression, personality disorders, codependency, your children’s psychological health, physical health, education, schooling, and my number one…..breaking cycles. Financial freedom and 50/50 co-parenting do not necessarily mean having balance or harmony. It just means you get to have more money in your pocket and more time to do things without your children.

SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES

I once wrote a blog on how children absorb subliminal learning by simply doing nothing. They play around the house, sing in the car, sleep peacefully at night and convince you that they are learning only what you say to them or purposely show them. The thing is children don’t know when they are absorbing your subliminal messages so they sure can’t tell you when it happening either. Fast forward a few weeks, or even a few months, and they act out or react to a situation in what turns out to be a surprising behavior to you. Then you wonder where on earth they learned that?! You begin to brainstorm who they went by or was around recently that behaves like that, or what television show or youtube video they might have been watching, or maybe they got it from another child at school! Yes, it has to be that one for sure, right?

Negative!!! It was you! Of course, there are the slim chances it was from grandma, grandpa, aunty, uncle, cousin, or a long-lost family member that visited in recent times too. But did you recap your behaviors? Your words? Oops, my bad you never do anything wrong or unacceptable around your children. You never say a bad thing about their dad or anybody else for that matter. You never complain or show your anger or frustration around them. You have never been sad around them. No way! You live in a happy, positive, never negative moment bubble that no one else has access to. What a wonderful life you live. Yet you are fighting for better paydays and 50/50 co-parenting. Interesting.

ACCOUNTABILITY

I am not trying to eliminate your negative experiences. I’m not saying don’t fight for better paydays and 50/50 co-parenting. All I’m saying is be accountable. Be accountable for your choices. Be accountable for seeing the red flags and ignoring them. Be accountable for choosing (of your own free will) to put up with less than acceptable behaviors. Be accountable for loving yourself less than others. Be accountable for not holistically developing yourself, and for not learning how to love yourself before getting into a relationship. Be accountable for following society’s trends of what relationships should look like. Be accountable for accepting that it’s the norm, even when your intuition whispered, “There’s better out there you just have to look for it.” Be accountable for only telling your son don’t turn out like his dad instead of showing him who he should look to as a healthy role model male figure. Be accountable for losing your femininity to fight for masculinity. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here. You are free to choose any path you want for your life, just be able to live with your decision.

Accountability is an act of true ownership. Accepting the results of your decisions without complaining and blaming others. You admit you made a decision that gave you less than pleasant results then work on the next step… How do I improve this? Can this even be improved, fixed, or solved? If not am I ready to part ways? How do I part ways when I’m not ready to move on? How do I let go when my heart is still in it? How do I forgive myself? How do I heal from this? Will my next move show my children a healthy or positive way of dealing with challenges? Will my next move teach my children to be bitter and vengeful? What will my next move teach my children? How do I help myself and my children heal psychologically?

There are many more questions you can ask yourself when making the effort to be accountable for yourself, your words, and your actions. Sometimes you will need help, I strongly suggest professional help to avoid bias and lack of growth, however, help from loved ones who you can HONESTLY deem a person of healthy and positive practices are also an option.

TRUE FEMININITY

I encourage women reading this message to explore their true femininity and what it means to be a woman. It sounds ridiculous but the truth is many women are living in their masculine and struggling to understand why men can’t handle a strong independent woman. It’s not that he can’t handle you, it’s that no man wants to come home to a man when he’s involved with a woman. No man wants to feel irreplaceable or useless. Men are naturally less expressive because society has taught them to shut up and keep their feelings to themselves. It’s easier for them to just walk away, or seek another woman. This doesn’t make it right because it is ABSOLUTELY unhealthy. But think about it for a minute…what options have you given him?

I’m not talking about men with psychological disorders who are basically criminals and psychopaths. They are no exception themselves and I pray they get help and no woman has to worry about crossing paths with such men ever again. If anyone reading this has had such an experience I am truly sorry for your pain and I do hope you get the care and justice you deserve.

Going back to my point about men walking away. Did you give him a chance to be the man? Did you allow your femininity to arouse him in more than just sexual ways? I remember this time I was finishing up my regular morning jog on a popular trail path, and saw this guy holding his lady’s hand while gently pulling her up the hill and saying, “Come on baby let’s go, keep going.” The lady was smiling and giggling behind him while she allowed him to be a man. She didn’t need help, she wasn’t tired, she wasn’t even sweating! But she knew it made him feel good to be a loving supportive partner so she allowed him to be the fit strong man he wanted to be for his lady. Back then I was not amused and turned to my friend and said, “Why is she making the man waste his time, she’s not even sweating!” And my friend so rightfully said, “That’s called embracing your femininity.” Immediately I got it! I smiled and held that thought in my head since then. Good men do the best they know how to. They want to be supported, loved, and cared for healthily. They know and understand both their role and a woman’s role. They will support you in everything you set out to accomplish and they expect, and damn well deserves just as much as you, to get the same treatment in return. It won’t always be automatic or easy for that matter, but having an open mind that’s willing to learn, and constantly improve for growth and betterment is the type of mind every man and woman should aspire to have. Job 30 talks about the ideal husband and Proverbs 31 talks about the ideal wife. Both knew their place and balanced themselves healthily to be the best support to each other all while being their best selves.

RED FLAG CHOICES

Now let’s not forget those men who manipulate, cheat, and are just full of themselves and have no intention of being the man a good woman deserves. Did you check their backgrounds? I’m not talking about a police report or credit score. Did you meet their family and friends and ask the right questions? Did you find out if there is any mental illness in their bloodline? Did you find out about their past relationships? Did you observe the way they spoke to their mothers, sisters, and other influential females in their lives? Did you pay attention to the road rage behavior or the way they treat the homeless or the comment they made during a movie when a cheating scene played out? Did you address any of these red flags after spotting them? Or did you still choose to dive into the water nonetheless? And who are you holding accountable for putting up with them?

I’ve been there and I blame no one but myself. Yes, I adopted a toxic cycle from my family’s history, and yes I questioned it and ignored it too. Yes, I hoped and prayed and said I will do better. I said I will never, oh yes, be like x and y and z. What did I do? The said thing I claimed I wouldn’t. It took a long time, however, I am forever grateful to be in a place in my life I can look back, reflect and embrace my past. The pain, grief, and depression were a battle but with excellent professional care and support I have made it through. I do have days when new challenges arise but thankfully I have developed my self-awareness to a level even my therapist says is of high rank. I am not always able to pin the problem immediately but I am always, yes ALWAYS, able to identify when something is wrong and I immediately begin to question myself to solve the issue. I find the trigger and it leads me to the problem. Sometimes it takes a therapy session, sometimes I have to journal, sometimes brainstorming, sometimes just expressing my feelings out loud to a friend or in the mirror to myself. I do what it takes to be accountable for myself. I don’t blame anyone. I don’t even blame me. I try not to look at things as right or wrong but instead state the facts and work from there. My biggest priority is always, What am I subliminally teaching my daughter?

NEW REVOLUTION

I have said so much and I hope it hasn’t come off as babbling. I would really like to see mothers, especially single mothers, break cycles by teaching their children to live healthy positive lives. Mothers, please teach your girls and your boys how to live a healthy lifestyle. Mothers, I know you can never be a father and maybe you are comfortable being single and that’s fine, but please seek counsel from men in society who lead positive healthy lifestyles and can be an example to your sons. Find books and articles for them to read. Find videos and movies for them to watch. Find activities for them to participate in that will allow them the opportunity to develop their true masculinity not just in physical strength but also in psychological strength. Take them back to gentleman days. Your sons don’t have to be part of the Royal Family to open the door of a car for a lady or let a lady out of a building before them. There is no shame in holding the baby bag or sharing the responsibilities of house chores with the girls. Teach your sons to cook, clean, and do laundry. If he chooses to be single he should know how to take care of himself. Teach both your girls and your boys to love themselves first and to know their worth and to tolerate nothing less than what they deserve healthily and positively.

I refuse to be an activist of any type, but if I had to choose, I would choose to fight for healthy positive relationships that represent true equality.

Keep Striving,

P.P.A.